Thursday, July 17, 2008

Kommentary Korner

If there's one thing I can't tolerate, it's intolerance. So many people are so prejudiced that they prejudge others based solely on their physical appearance and, to a lesser extent, their odor. The truth is, there is often more to people than what their exteriors provide. For me, race, body type, stature, gender and facial features--no matter how bizarre--aren't important. I'm what you could call "color blind," in the non-medical sense of the term. I look beyond what's on the outside and strive to understand who people truly are. My first reaction upon encountering another individual is not "oh, look, a Korean person," or "hey, you're a woman," or "you're a cute puppy." No, my first reaction is, "I bet that formless, nondescript mass of tissue over there has an interesting life story and has a lot of unique interests." The problems plaguing our world such as famine, disease and poorly designed cereal boxes are not the result of economic carelessness or political instability. Oh no. These crises are exclusively caused by prejudice and unless the world breaks out of this intolerant funk as I have, humanity will go extinct within the next several days.--Peter Doe

Friday, July 11, 2008

The Korner Kares

Grettings and salutations from all of us at The Korner! Today, we are proud to bring you a new feature which we hope will allow each and every one of you to realize your full potential through simple and practical advice. For this first installment of Korner Kares, we've teamed up with Percy Stankowski to create a straightforward message to all you folks who just can't seem to squeeze the nectar of joy from the fruit of life. No confusing half-truths here; this is the genuine article. Of course, this recommendation we bring to you is only the first, but with the help of several foKus groups, we have ascertained that this video will invariably infuse the viewer with indomitable thoughts of pure life victory and gaiety. Observe, all.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Fiction Korner

"Don't move," said the cat. "Struggling will only make the relish thicker."
The idea of a talkin' kitty wasn't astonishing to me. After all, I'd come to expect anything after discovering that mysterious condiment factory in the woods. Anyways, even if I was astonished there sure as hell wasn't any time for awe. I was up to my neck in minced sweet pickles, and as far as I was concerned, that gray tabby was my only ticket out of a deceivingly delicious death.
"Grab onto this rope, Dirk," said the cat, lowering down what was actually several tattered sheets tied together in thick knots. I climbed with all the strength I could muster. I'm eternally grateful this incident hadn't occurred a year earlier when I still had legs. That would have made the climb to safety nearly impossible.
At the top of the "rope", I grasped the steel grate of the catwalk. I coughed hard, releasing many ounces of relish from my lungs.
"Thanks," I said, gazing with admiration at my feline rescuer. "I'll name you Boots."
"Okay," said the cat.

--Jawn Steighmeaus