Saturday, June 26, 2010

Korner Wisdom

No. 12: "Don't fear an earthquake. It's just the planet settling."
No. 13: "In the future, everyone will eat toast."

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Fiction Korner

Greetings! Today The Korner is honored to present the next step in the evolution of Jawn Steighmeaus. We've all heard that the sky is the limit. But our favorite fictioneer isn't afraid to prove this wrong. He's lifting a middle finger to the literary establishment and treading were few if any writers have before--the vast unexplored expanse beyond our tiny planet. It's as if Steighmeaus has embarked on an odyssey into space. Bogart:

"If you think about it, every person alive is an expert on something."
Cranford's words stuck in my brain like a re-entry grade adhesive. Easy for him to say, being the solar system's preeminent authority on re-entry grade adhesives. My own superlative insight was far more difficult to categorize.
When I arrived at the symposium I felt out of my league. There was Brintson--celebrated leader in the field of Cepheian megafauna, Chaltsworth--he literally and figuratively wrote the book on zero-gravity maxillofacial surgery, and countless others. It was actually a bit crowded for my taste, and I'm not even afraid of claustro. Leave it up to the Kritz Institute to host an encyclopedia-of-everything drafting event on a cramped space station without even the most barebones of conference facilities or amenities. I'm glad one of the illustrious attendees wasn't the Procyon Sector Fire Marshal, otherwise the final product would have been a pretty thin volume.
On the positive side, though, our hosts did hire General's Hors D'oeuvres to cater the event, which was a treat. But there wasn't a platter of prosciutto-wrapped Centaurian melon in the quadrant big enough to quash the insecurity boiling up inside of me. I felt like a fraud. As I squeezed through the sweaty throngs of those more accomplished than I, it was as if I had stepped into a Star Mart with counterfeit galactic monetary units.
But then, as if in a stroke of space-luck, a small-framed retrorocket expert who couldn't have been more than seventy-two collapsed, twitching on the glass floor. Without thinking, I snatched a snifter of Martian brandy from a nearby cocktail waitressbot and splashed the contents onto the man's face. He suddenly snapped out of his nervous fit and rose to his feet, joining the other distinguished guests in applause. I had found my niche. I could relax now. A load had been lifted from my shoulders, but not as big a one as it would've been at Earth gravity.
But the laudatory atmosphere was suddenly interrupted as the actual atmosphere began rushing out of a hull breach. What did we all expect? Just because it's cheap to rent out a condemned space station doesn't mean it's safe. As the cabin pressure rapidly decreased, the scene was a frenzy of tweed jackets and canapés. As the oddly erotic effects of asphyxia set in, I cursed Cranford. Why had he made me his plus one? --Jawn Steighmeaus

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Meet the Kontributors: Percy Stankowski

You see a sharply-dressed young man, a dead ringer for that guy who wrote "Juno." Suddenly, he's running bits of newspaper through a 16mm projector while simultaneously lighting the machine on fire, all while projecting the great teeming mess onto the facade of a T(sar)-Mobile retail store. No, silly, that's not Mo Rocca -- it's Percy Stankowski. Percy's filmmaking expertise and reputation as a chronic envelope-pusher has made him a staple here at the Korner, and it's time we took a look at the origin of such a fascinating Kreationist.

Percy was born in Caldwell, ID, to Curtis and Mabel, whose love for primetime public-access television would serve as the inadvertent spark for young Percy's forays into image-making. It was not long before Percy had commandeered the family's Hi-8 videocamera, deftly experimenting with the limits of the seventh art. At one point Percy poured water into the cassette chamber in what, despite his parents' statements otherwise, was no doubt a pointed commentary on the inherent contradiction between film's perceived fluidity and actual stasis.

In his teenage years, Percy linked up with fellow Kreationist visionary, Chris Peebles, and that, he says, was when "shit really began to pop off." The two teamed up for several groundbreaking happenings, combining spoken word, moving image, and the occasional wayward chicken in ways that stunned audiences and quickly garnered the attention of the larger Kreation movement.

Though he may be three months short of twenty-four, Percy Stankowski has managed in his short life to pack quite the Kreationist wallop, and it is this honesty that he seeks to bring to all current and future endeavors. When asked how Percy manages such a seemingly hectic life, Percy replies succinctly, "the dude abides. Meaning me. When I say 'dude,' I mean me. Did you get that reference?"

Still from "March of the Pagans," Percy Stankowski

Monday, June 7, 2010

Komedy Korner

The old "Donkey in a Top Hat" bit as told by Svetlana Mendoza, Part V:

"Thirdly, it's me, Peppers. You didn't even recognize your own former pet."
The foreman's mouth was agape. "But I did recognize you! You said I was mistaken!"
"I was testing you, Charlie, and you failed. Miserably."

To Be Kontinued...

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Monetization Korner

Well, as we all know, times are tough. To persevere, we must tighten our boot straps and pull ourselves up by our belts, as the saying goes. Anyways, try as he might, our financier Chas Murdoch just can't keep our budget at a proper operating level--although he somehow found the scratch to chip in on that lunar drilling joint-stock expedition. Bitterness aside, the reality is we need money to kreate. As much as we shudder at the prospect of bobbing for apples in the capitalist wash basin, it's a necessary evil to continue producing kontent and furthering the Kreation Kause. As such, we are unveiling an advertisement today for a local retailer. Sure it's a blemish, critics, but it's better than no Korner at all. Glance fleetingly at: