Friday, April 29, 2011

Poet's Korner

Don’t try to deputize
me into your cause.
Your principles and
stances are crap.
Plus I disagree whole-
heartedly with your
core tenets.
My core tenets are
respect, good taste,
and common decency.
Sound familiar?
Didn’t think so.


Sunday, April 24, 2011

Kommentary Korner

Unless you live under a rock (which we don't recommend), you've undoubtedly noticed that The Korner has reached an impasse. With both Peter Doe and Nash Stillwater flying the koop for disparate yet equally gastronomic reasons, we face the inevitability of kreative inviability due to a dearth of kommentary kontent. Are Doe's and Stillwater's departures the fault of the staff as has been suggested? Are we the spineless flakes we're accused of being? Maybe, maybe not. What's clear as un-tinted glass, though, is that we are imperfect beings and all we can do is try our best during the ongoing journey of self-discovery and growth. What's also clear is our unekwivocal kommitment to kreativity. The show must go on! That's why we sent K. Hume O'Henderbaum a cable. He's like the nonbiological great-unkle of all kommentators. Unfortunately, a catastrophic tragedy recently befell the ailing old-timer, but the silver lining is that he's got a lot to say about it. Prepare to have your ass rubbed in the moonshine:

Word to the wise: don't live on a houseboat! But if you must put down your roots on the briny, moor your vessel somewhere other than Fortunate Summit Reservoir. For years now, my hull has been eaten away at by unnaturally high salinity and aggressive diatoms. But the final nail in my floating abode's coffin, however, was driven the other day when I was t-boned by inebriated hooligans in a Bayliner. It took every ounce of my already diminished strength to roll my wheel chair onto the dock before my home was consumed by the man-made lake. Thank the maker I saw that hilarious houseboat insurance commercial two weeks ago! My agent Chad is currently assessing the damage and hopefully stringing the responsible parties up by their toes. In the meantime, he's put me up at the Terracehill Springsuites and Conference Center in downtown Boise. Boy, is this place a dump! The walls are an unimaginative pale yellow. The wall-mounted television is so skinny it must be a fake--I haven't even turned it on. Plus the luggage rack nearly buckled under the weight of my steamer trunk! Such sterile monotony. It reminds me why I try not to spend much time on land. I remember when hotels downtown had character. You could tell the architects and staff members really cared. A weary traveller could choose from the Alta, the Alturas, the Altadena, the Ambassador, the Avalon, the Anaconda, the Albatross, the Albert, the Alder, the Atherton, the Arrowhead or the Xanadu--and those were just the ones on Main Street! Each hostelry was a stately, well-appointed testament to class and craftsmanship--not like the thoughtless, cookie-cutter structures churned out these days. I suppose all I can do now is bide my time in this chic hellhole. But I guess it's better than having my skeleton picked clean by the pikeminnows they stock the reservoir with.

Thursday, April 21, 2011


Have you no pride, Kreationists? Have you no SHAME? Last week, when my visionary piece, "Rebrand This!", was published, I expected at least some solidarity on the part of my kompatriots. What did I get instead? Aside from a directive by the KKHQ landlord to curtail my slogan-chanting to daylight hours only, NOTHING. What gives? We cannot let this egregious violation of Kreationist ideology stand, even and especially if it is committed by our benefactor/dicator, Chas Murdoch. So, as of this post, I am beginning a hunger strike that will last for as long as this atrocity is allowed to stand. You'll all see soon enough what an impossibility the Kreationist mission will be without me! I'm going rogue. Follow me or get left behind.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Freedom of Information Korner

As our organization enters a golden age of open dialogue and transparency rooted in the spirit of true Kreativity, every member of the proverbial food chain must proverbially paddle in the same proverbial direction. To that end, the Korner brings you today an excerpt from the minutes of our most recent staff meeting. Behold how the sausage is made:

The Kreation Korner, Staff Meeting
April 14, 2011 - Huey Dood presiding
Transcribed by Jeanieanné Smith, Administrative Assistant

Huey Dood: We call this meeting to order. First order of business, last meeting's minutes. Has everyone had a chance to look them over?

Jawn Steighmeaus: I move to approve the minutes, but only on the kondition we strike all vowels and replace them with dollar signs.

HD: We have a motion on the table. All those in favor...

Unanimous "ayes," save for GRECH who shoots off a confetti party-popper in affirmation

HD: The ayes have it. I'll have Jeanieanné get started on those edits as soon as we're done here. Next on the agenda is a short presentation from Nash Stillwater about proposed overhauls to our kommunal kwarters. Take it away Nash.

Nash Stillwater: Thanks Huey. As you all know, I've been an outspoken opponent of kopious hallucinogenic substance use in the past. But I'm always on the lookout for transcendent ways to derange our senses sans chemistry. What I'm proposing here is a group sensory deprivation tank approximately 15 by 38 cubits in area. I recently spent the better part of 17 minutes in an underground cave and the utter absence of any and all stimuli allowed the most obscure reaches of my subkonscious to take over with Jupiter-and-Beyond-the-Infinite-like fury. A chamber mimicking my subterranean experience would require us to sacrifice nearly 40 percent of our already limited physical living space but the metaphysical benefits would be almost incalculable. I'm passing around a cost breakdown as we speak which should give a ballpark on soundproof insulation, lead light shielding and the like. I urge you all to seriously konisder this proposal. The implications it has for the Kreative Kause are well worth the $34,852 price tag.

Enthusiastic "oohs" and "ahs" are heard as the literature is passed around

HD: Thanks, Nash. You know, that idea's not half bad. Plus our discretionary fund is burning a hole in the coffee table. Tell you what, I'll get Steve Adore on the blower first thing in the AM and we'll talk retrofits. Jeanieanné, cancel my morning appointments.


*For the full 67-page transcription of this meeting, please slide a stamped, self-addressed envelope under the front door of the HQ. Enclose a $5 check payable to The Kreation Korner, Office of the Archivist.*

Monday, April 11, 2011

Editor's note: Due to issues with our email server, the Korner has attached to today's regularly-scheduled post an item of operational concern. We trust that the inclusion of this will in no way interfere with the impact of Nash's posting.

Rebrand this!, or, The Fleecing of the Korner
A Nash Stillwater Joint
Take heed! The imperialists have occupied the gateway to this humble yet majestic blog. Witness!, the blatant and ignorant commercialization of the Kreationist mission. Gaze with trained eye on the jargonization of an unrivaled tradition of kreation. We must interpret the words of one Chas Murdoch as an act of war, plain and simple. What is at stake here is the future integrity of Kreationism as a whole, and we must FIGHT! "Where learning starts?" Where growth ends! Unless we fight, we stand to lose our livelihoods. So refuse the oppression of The Man, shut it out with force. We will not be stop!

A request to Mr. Murdoch re: the coffee machine
Percy Stankowski
Dear Mr. Chas Murdoch, the coffee machine's on the fritz again. I think it might need to be serviced or something. Every time I put in the carafe and try to start the brewing process, it won't work. But as soon as I pull the carafe out to see what's the matter, the thing starts spitting hot java at me. I've ruined more than my share of vintage cardigans this week, and we'd all really appreciate if this could get looked at in the next couple of days.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Rebranding Korner

For Immediate Attention

Recipient: Kreation Korner Webspace Log of Events

Sender: Chas Murdoch
CEO & Lt. Viscount, U.S. Region
Kreation Systems Worldwide

Hello all of you kreationists, it's Chas Murdoch once again. Now, I hate to be the nosy one, but in my recent survey I have noticed a conspicuous lack of timeliness with regard to this blog's header art. Don't get me wrong, I love the opportunity that Thanksgiving provides for us to both celebrate and castigate our nation's history, but it's April. So, in the spirit of spring cleaning, I took it upon myself to design a new header. Well, not me personally. I had our brand identity team over at Kreation Systems Worldwide whip up a new logo and catchphrase that would better convey our market potential to prospective investors. Pretty spiffy, huh? I thought so, too. Now that's a design I wouldn't mind wearing around on a t-shirt. In fact, I've already ordered our merchandise department to manufacture 1000 of them, in anticipation of the inevitable and smashing success of this design. But, in the interest of fairness (and because I know they'll proceed with or without an invitation), I call for any and all input from the Kreationists themselves. In the next couple of weeks, I look forward to incorporating the constructive criticism and suggestions of our mature and introspective Kreative staff over at the Korner. So, without further "to god," I unveil my proudest achievement since horizontally-sliced bread. Look at it!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Ask Peter

Even though Peter Doe has literally moved on to greener pastures, we figure it would be nice to check in via an underutilized feature. Plus, he technically owes us another post before his kontract formally expires at the end of the month. Anyways, it’s been about a month since we laid our iniquities upon him and sent him into the wilderness. Despite the rigors of the neo-agrarian lifestyle, his response is as kaustic as ever. Nice to know the old Doe paddle steamer is still chugging along. Peruse:

Dear Peter,
How’s it hangin’?
Kurious Kontributors in Boise, ID

Dear Kontributors,
Holy shit, what a great question! Getting three words from you folks is a real treat. Sarcasm aside, I must say I don’t miss the Korner. What fanfare did I get on my departure? Just an untitled post with the usual glib, incoherent language. I didn’t even get a “don’t hit your ass on the beaded door covering” as I packed up my desk. You know, it’s actually refreshing to know how truly under-appreciated I was. I don’t need the Korner. I face new challenges daily. My day starts at 3:55 am. I’ve had my coffee and read my paper before sunup. Hell, I wake the rooster up! But it doesn’t end there. I’m responsible for every aspect of my egg business: caring for the animals, harvesting and packing the product, delivery, bookkeeping and updating the ol’ Twitter account daily. I wear a vast assortment of hats. And it’s tough work. 12 hens produce more eggs than you’d think. But if there's one thing I learned in the joint it's how to endure hardship. In spite of 16-hour days of backbreaking labor, I feel more fulfilled than ever. My life has become one of discipline, contemplation and productiveness. I’m living Kreation. You goddamn assholes in Boise are just a bunch of talk.