Kommentary Korner

Usually, I use my column as a platform to air my frustrations with these United States of America and all their shortcomings. Lately, though, I have been focused on a place that, as it turns out, is not in America at all. I am speaking, of course, of Switzerland—that mysterious, landlocked European nation that has confounded scholars for years. Despite numerous warnings from family and friends, I began studying Swiss cultural exports several weeks ago. During my quest to unlock the truth about these elusive mountain people (the Swiss), I stumbled across some insights that proved both baffling and mildly interesting. Particularly helpful in my research was the Swiss Army Knife. (Why would a neutral country need an army you might ask? That, my friend, is something we will never know). Each unique tool attached to your standard issue S.A.K. sheds light on a particular custom or tendency of the Swissfolk. Par exemple, the small, plastic, durable toothpick included in every S.A.K. indicates that the Swiss are dedicated to impeccable dental health, even on the go. The portable convenience of this reusable, sanitary tooth-cleaning device is mirrored in the ever-handy mini Swiss tweezers. If ever a Swiss individual spots an errant eyebrow hair outside of the home, these tweezers will be used to extricate it in the clutch. Furthermore, we can only imagine the flawlessly elegant parabolas of a Swissperson’s Swiss-Army-Knife-nail-file-sculpted fingernails. So far, we can see that the Swiss are a people committed to proper personal hygiene, but our analysis of the Swiss Army Knife goes much further. Take the ity-bity Swiss Army scissors, for instance: the Swiss are a patient people. It probably takes a person 15 to 20 minutes to successfully cut through a piece of paper or fabric with these worthless scissors; a feat achieved in mere seconds by a typical pair of shears. Not only are the Swiss patient, they are benevolent and caring. This characteristic is made unquestionably clear with a look at the blade on the Swiss Army tool. This tiny knife, when used for self-defense, will only minimally maim an assailant. Through this unexpected, eye-opening process, the Swiss allow their attackers to reconsider their initial intentions of harm and even reform their ways. After such Swiss-Army-Knife-induced educational experiences, Swisspeople will typically invite their would-be assaulters to join them for fondue. We can see through an analysis of the Swiss Army Knife that the Swiss are dedicated to unrivaled personal hygiene, meticulous work ethics, and instant rehabilitation of local ne’er-do-wells. My conclusion is that the Swiss are a dynamic, sexy people whom the rest of the world should look up to as a model society. --Peter Doe