Witticisms


Budd Bellows

Set-up: I live my life in two worlds: the world I experience when I'm awake and the world of my dreams. One of these worlds is characterized by unending toil. It is an odyssey without end. The destination is in sight yet remains eternally elusive. A path unfolds before me, but it is circuitous and full of diversion. I get side-tracked and drawn into outlandish subplots. I observe people I haven't seen or thought about for years engaging in strange acts in strange places. Places I've never been. Places nobody's ever been and likely do not exist. In this world, geography lacks a discernible logic. Disparate locales are contiguous. Day transitions into night in an instant. Years fly by in what seems like minutes. In this world I become mired in such mystifying flights of fancy that I lose sight of the destination all together and never quite arrive no matter how close I unwittingly get.

Punchline: You think that's crazy? Wait until I tell you about the world of my dreams!

Dogg Focks

A man walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. However, because with age his tolerance had waned, he woke the next morning with a hangover.

A woman entered a hardware store to ask for directions to the nearest laundromat. Turns out it was right around the corner.

Captain Gooding

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To participate in the ritualistic cannibalism of its own kin by way of McDonald's, wherein it would order and consume a ten-piece Chicken McNugget meal.

Tuner Jazzman

Q: Why doesn't a block of muenster cheese enjoy pornography?
A: He thinks it's degrating to women.

Svetlana Mendoza

A man with no eyes walks into a bar.
"What can I get you?" asks the barkeep.
"Got a pair of eyes?" asks the man.
"Sorry. We're clean out," says the barkeep.
So the man says, "Well, in that case I'll just have an ear."

A lawyer, a mercenary, and a doctor all die and arrive at the gates of Heaven.
Saint Peter asks them, "How did each of you spend your lives?"
"I tracked down helpless car crash victims and cheated them out of thousands of dollars," replies the lawyer.
"I was hired by governments all across the world to commit despicable acts of murder," replies the mercenary.
"I illegally wrote myself prescriptions for Vicodin to fuel my ravenous narcotics addiction," replies the doctor.
"I know," says Saint Peter, "I was just trying to make small talk. Welcome to the afterlife."

Q: What do you call an erection at a funeral?
A: Mourning wood.

A man walked into a church and said, "ouch."

A man walked into a church and said, "I have an objection as to why this couple should not be interred."

A man walked into a church, knelt, and said, "Lord, I'm not usually a preying man, but if you give me a defenseless gazelle I'll devote my life to your service."

Q: Why did the street mime handcuff the passerby to the heat register in his studio apartment?
A: He wanted a captive audience.

Boo Merengue

I left my heart in San Francisco. My liver's in St. Louis...