Thursday, December 23, 2010

History Korner

There’s a great deal of history you should know about Kreationism. Inasmuch as that’s concerned, we put our trustworthy documentarian Gabe Gabriel up to the task of plumbing the depths of the latest academic literature on the subject and he generated this short-but-sweet research biography. Truth be known, Murdoch’s put a fire under us to kontribute more to the small-but-influential field of Kreation skolarship. It would appear kontributing to the field of Kreation itself isn’t enough. Just another way Chas likes to push our buttons. Rancor aside, we’d be nowhere without his largesse. Prepare to have your ass rubbed in the moonshine:

T. G. Kreationssen: The Man Behind The Korner
By Gabe Gabriel

Any discussion of Kreationism’s long, colorful and often mysterious history would be remiss without a detailed look at the movement’s founder, Kolonel Thor Gustav Kreationssen. Born in 1785 to a prominent forest products family in Piteå, Sweden, Kreationssen was drawn at an early age to such activities as bookbinding, playing the nyckelharpa and reciting improvised sonnets in the public square. This outlandish behavior quickly raised more than a few eyebrows around the small nordic town, resulting in his father’s decision to send the young Kreationssen to a now defunct military academy for boys on the Baltic island of Gotland (Kinnedy, 345).
Despite harsh conditions, poor sanitation and under-fermented Surströmming, Kreationssen's gumption persevered and quickly won the hearts and minds of his peers and eventually the commandant, a prickly fellow called Mr. Anckarström (Gomez-Thackeray, 214). It is a debate amongst scholars whether this was the first known instance in recorded history of minds being blown en mass. Kreationssen and his brothers in arms soon became restless in their insular confines and departed Gotland in 1806 for mainland Europe (Kinnedy, 353-354).
Although only carrying the rank of Sixth Lieutenant, Kreationssen was the de facto leader of his ragtag battalion and dauntlessly pledged his and the support of his men in the fight against the tyranny of Napoleon Bonaparte. Rather than lethal weapons however, the intrepid young Swede chose bayonets of broad-mindedness to impale ignorance rather than flesh (Thomason, 414). Kreationssen and his kompatriots arrived several days after the decisive French victory at the Battle of Jena, however, and found themselves dismayed and penniless in occupied Prussia.
But this didn’t crush the spirits of the ever forward-looking Kreationssen. It didn’t take long for word to spread amongst the Prussian peasantry and other classes that a strange man of mental-might hitherto unknown was in their midst, demolishing long-held conventions daily. The legend--and the man himself--of Thor Gustav Kreationssen gave hope to those looking for meaning in the wake of devastation (Kinnedy, 378). For the next ten years, Kreationssen and his followers--who quickly became known as Kreationists appropriately enough--walked from one end of Europe to the other, lifting thousands from mental incarceration through spontaneous acts of poetry, sound, street theatre and visual art.
In 1816, Kreationssen’s father passed away and bequeathed his vast timber products fortune to his sole progeny. The former Sixth Lieutenant--now 31 years of age--settled in Paris and quickly became the talk of the salon scene. Theories of why Kreationssen chose Paris very, but a prevailing one is that he wished to take down the beast of what he considered feebleminded intellectual movements by cutting off the head (Thomason, 422). It was during this time that he published the Kreationsim Manifesto, which firmly outlined his goal to blow the mind, body and soul--a core tenant of the Kreation movement to this day. No publisher in Paris would touch this scandalous tract, so the author was forced to publish it back in Piteå on one of the family-owned printing presses (Kinnedy, 412).
After the Manifesto’s release, Kreationssen earned the dubious distinction of Western Europe’s “bad boy,” hobnobbing with the cultural elite--and their wives (Kinnedy, 415)! This Casanovian lifestyle was soon cut short as some great personal tragedy befell Kreationssen. Shunning all forms of interpersonal interaction,--save for weekly visits from friend and konfidant Johawn von Steimaus, chairman of Kreationism's Alsace chapter--he never again kreated in his life and the jury is still out on why. Spekulation suggests it was the death of a secret lover or some great revelation us lesser are not privy to. Perhaps we will never know. Perhaps we are not meant to know. Noted Kreationism skolar Daniel A. Thomason suggests that Kreationssen during this period of vulnerability came under the influence of the Bricklayers, the Order of Strangefolk or some other sinister secret society (427). Evidence of such contact is spotty, but what is universally agreed upon by scholars is that Kreationism's founder was never the same.
Before succumbing to unknown causes in 1842, Thor Gustav Kreationssen lived out the rest of his life as a hermit at an abandoned sawmill near his birthplace. He left his fortune to a distant cousin, who happened to be an ancestor of Chas Murdoch. Though he receded into obscurity and may well have been manipulated by subversive elements, his spirit is carried on by Kreationists the world over who revere him posthumously as a Kolonel in the Kreation Kause (Thomason, 435). Although the mysterious circumstances surrounding the latter years of his life will likely remain as such, what is no mystery is his legacy. A legacy that assumes the form in this day and age as an undaunted commitment to being a beacon of hope, love and true cranial clarity in an otherwise cruel, indifferent world.

Works Cited

Gomez-Thackeray, Denise. “Young Kreationssen: School Daze.” In The Kreationism Reader edited by T. Blunt Halladay et al. (Atlanta, ID: Mountain Metropolis Press, 2009), 207-229.

Kinnedy, Dutch. Kreationism: A History. Boise, ID: C. Murdoch & Sons, 2008.

Thomason, Daniel A. “Kreationism: Guiding Light for Humanity or Krock of Shit?” Kreation Kwarterly 3 (2010): 411-437.

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