Sunday, March 28, 2010

Kommentary Korner

I'm the kind of guy who enjoys the finer things in life: clothing, shelter, water, etc. But what I really get my kicks out of is food. I can't live without the stuff! But in these uncertain times, it's tough to find victuals that are equally easy on the taste buds as they are on the pocketbook. That's why I reach for a frozen pizza whenever I'm within the rectangular confines of the Tsar Mart. Price-to-quality ratio is an important consideration whenever I'm in the market for provisions and 'za delivers the most bang for one's buck--or any unit of currency for that matter. Anyways, I was doing my monthly grocery shopping earlier today, and I had to make a most vexing decision of whether to choose Tombstone, Red Baron, or Tony's brand pizza. Whoever said "variety is the spice of life" must not have had to pick between three equally affordable pizza options. With each pie tied in terms of cheapness, I found the only way to reach a culinary conclusion was to roll up my sleeves and evaluate each product's marketing scheme. First off, Tombstone. This name conjured two motifs: the Old West and embalming--neither of which pertain directly to pizza or are particularly appetizing or even sanitary. I wasn't convinced. Next, Red Baron. When I looked at the triumphant, aviator cap-wearing aviator on the box, I wondered, what does Manfred von Richthofen have to do with pizza? Sure, this Prussian ace had 80+ confirmed kills, a feat impressive even by modern dogfighting standards, but does this make him a credible mascot for largely Italianate cuisine? Nein! Finally, Tony's. Now this is what I call authentic. A stocky, grinning chef complete with olive complexion, bushy mustache and tomato hat--is anything more Italian than that? Ok, maybe Galileo gesturing wildly with his hands as he models the latest from the Milan runway while floating down a chianti canal in a gondola made of penne--but I defy you to find a frozen pizza with that on the box. Thanks to Tony's and its tastes of Tuscany as portended by the packaging, I don't have to sacrifice my refined dining habits during these lean times we live in.
--Peter Doe

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