Kandor Korner

"I don't wish for much, just that my life and work become the stuff of legend and exhaustive discourse for generations to come."
--Known Universe

Kandor Korner

"Adventure" is an important and appealing concept but a woefully overused word. That goes double for "curate." It'll be a real blow if the merchants of tedium commodify my beloved "paraprosdokian."
 --P. Michael Watson

Kandor Korner

"All the best recorded songs are demos. Demos are the real process, not the artificial product. Demos are honest and demand your attention. Finished tracks lie and lull you into sedation. Demos are ugly and difficult--like reality. Enjoy your tight, polished, professionally-produced, beautiful music commodities, sleepers."
--Rasmus Wright

Kandor Korner

"It's not that I don't care. I actually care a lot. I care enough to not care about things that aren't worth caring about. How, you might ask, do I distinguish between things to care and not care about? I don't care." 
--Known Universe

Kandor Korner

"I often tell myself, 'listen more, talk less.' Other times I'm like, 'fuck listening!'" --P. Michael Watson

Kandor Korner

"When I sit down to kreate, I try to draw from personal experience. It's the subject I know the least about." --Hadley Daughterson 

Kandor Korner

Today we bring you a bittersweet "Kandor Korner" from K. Hume O'Henderbaum. Hume passed away peacefully of natural kauses last night at 11:24 PM, three days shy of his 95th birthday. Longtime friend Peter Doe was with him at the end and transcribed his more-or-less final words:

"As the lights grow dim, I take solace and comfort in biology, in the knowledge that I am a limited entity. Try as I may to the contrary, I can never be all things to all people. I will always disappoint at least somebody and ultimately never transcend above my biological constraints. As I look back on my long life, I can say that the only thing I’ve come to know for certain is that I don’t know shit about shit. Perhaps this is a copout to get me off the hook for all the insensitive and cruel things I’ve done and said, but it’s the best I can do at this point. After all, I’m a flawed, limited biological being. A limited being who is not long for this world." 

In loving memory of K. Hume O’Henderbaum, 1919 - 2014
"We can only learn if we check our ideologies and preconceptions at the door of fate."

Kandor Korner

"A kreative act or work is as much what it is not as what it is. So when I tell you a tedious, hackneyed, uninteresting joke, I'm simultaneously telling you the most inventive, sidesplitting and thought-provoking joke you've ever heard. You're welcome."

--Svetlana Mendoza 

Kandor Korner

"When you read one of my stories...uh...hmm...how can I say this in terms relevant to the digital age? Ok, let’s try this: imagine that one of my stories is a folder on the desktop of your home computer. Gazing upon the folder’s icon and reading its title may very well be a fulfilling experience on its own, but double-click on the folder and you’ll discover dozens if not hundreds of unique files within. Some of them are image files. Others are text documents--many of which are comprised of the beguilingly unintelligible characters of machine language. Some files you click on and a dialogue box pops up with the unfortunate news that an error has occurred. You might even happen upon a few sub-folders, adding further depth and intrigue to your exploration. What’s in these sub-folders?? Per hap nothing. Per hap they are locked, and nobody knows the administrative password. Not even me... 
Anyways, that’s just some of my material. Other stories you can pretty much take at face value."

--Jawn Steighmeaus

Kandor Korner

Today we unveil a new recurring segment that will feature frank, uncensored words straight from the mouths of kreationists. We're positive this format will serve as a doorway into the minds of our kontributors and acquaint our readers with a heightened level of intimacy with the Kreation Kause. For our inaugural post, here's none other than Chris Peebles on the kreative process:

"Kreation is at times spontaneous and effortless, yielding discrete and satisfying results. Other times it's a painful ordeal with obscure and ill-defined output. But in either case, Kreation is a biological mandate, and I do it just about every day."

Ask Peter

In order to stimulate some much needed kreative output during these times of economic shiftlessness and lethargy, the Korner board of directors recently hired the National Institute for Kreation Advancement--a for-profit think tank and konsulting firm. We admit that it is with much shame and brooding that we have resorted to soliciting outside help in these desperate times, but it takes a korner maturity and class to know when it's been beat. But let's not dwell on the past. The fact is, NIKA gave us some great pointers. During an appraisal of The Kreation Korner HQ, the konsultants stumbled across our massive pile of letters asking advice from our wisdom-monger at large Peter Doe. They suggested we parlay these inkwiries into an advice column of sorts so as to invigorate our increasingly stagnant web space. After hearing this, we all figuratively (and in a couple cases literally) kicked ourselves and, to paraphrase our overall kollective reaction, said, "why didn't we think of that?" After much koaxing and the promise of beaded seat covers for his LeSabre, our kaustic kommentator agreed--albeit reluctantly--to write a semi-regular advice column. Our hope is that Doe's unrelentingly spot-on kandor will help regain the Korner's past glory and, for the sake of full-disclosure, offset the massive debt incurred on the Korner by NIKA's exorbitant fees. But enough yackity-yack: here's the maiden voyage of "Ask Peter." Prepare to be imparted upon by sheer, unadulterated wisdom.

Dear Peter,
First of all, I want to say, I'm a big fan. Long time reader, first time writer. Any-hoo, I know that if I were talking to you in person you'd say, "cut to the freakin' chase already!" So I will do so presently. My problem goes back about three years when I thought it would be a good idea to buy nine lizards. Turns out, these exothermic reptiles are biologically incapable of maintaining homeostasis and require sunlight to regulate their internal body temperatures--thanks for excluding this little nugget of information, Keith from the pet store in the mall. Knowing what I know now, I probably would have purchased a pet more appropriate to my lifestyle as a cave dweller such as a bat or a mutant spelunker zombie. But now I'm stuck with these goddamn lizards that have grown weak from the conspicuous lack of light in my humble subterranean home. So here's my question: is it worth it to drastically change my lifestyle by moving to a well-lit above ground location or should I just let my lizards shrivel and die?
Sincerely,
Konflicted in Caveborough, UT

Dear Konflicted,
Great question. Well, it's not great, but it is pretty good. I mean, it's not the best question I've ever heard, but it's not the worst either. If I had to rank it amongst every question I've ever heard in my life, I'd say it's probably in the second or third tier, which, again, isn't the worst. But seriously, you don't honestly expect me to take everything I'm handed and say it's the best I've ever heard, do you? I mean, what does that do to my credibility? Christ, I've got a reputation to uphold. You expect me to fold like a tube top on laundry day just to stroke your precious ego? Well, think again, sir or madam. And another thing, where do you get off thinking I'd even care about your boring, stupid life? I've got a life of my own to take care of, you know. I don't have time to be bombarded by questions every minute of my waking life. All I want is a moment's peace. Is that so damn hard to ask?
Yours truly,
Peter Doe

-Please send all your inquiries to TKK's P.O. box. If you don't already know the exact address, then you don't deserve Mr. Doe's advice.-