Sunday, December 14, 2008

Ask Peter

In order to stimulate some much needed kreative output during these times of economic shiftlessness and lethargy, the Korner board of directors recently hired the National Institute for Kreation Advancement--a for-profit think tank and konsulting firm. We admit that it is with much shame and brooding that we have resorted to soliciting outside help in these desperate times, but it takes a korner maturity and class to know when it's been beat. But let's not dwell on the past. The fact is, NIKA gave us some great pointers. During an appraisal of The Kreation Korner HQ, the konsultants stumbled across our massive pile of letters asking advice from our wisdom-monger at large Peter Doe. They suggested we parlay these inkwiries into an advice column of sorts so as to invigorate our increasingly stagnant web space. After hearing this, we all figuratively (and in a couple cases literally) kicked ourselves and, to paraphrase our overall kollective reaction, said, "why didn't we think of that?" After much koaxing and the promise of beaded seat covers for his LeSabre, our kaustic kommentator agreed--albeit reluctantly--to write a semi-regular advice column. Our hope is that Doe's unrelentingly spot-on kandor will help regain the Korner's past glory and, for the sake of full-disclosure, offset the massive debt incurred on the Korner by NIKA's exorbitant fees. But enough yackity-yack: here's the maiden voyage of "Ask Peter." Prepare to be imparted upon by sheer, unadulterated wisdom.

Dear Peter,
First of all, I want to say, I'm a big fan. Long time reader, first time writer. Any-hoo, I know that if I were talking to you in person you'd say, "cut to the freakin' chase already!" So I will do so presently. My problem goes back about three years when I thought it would be a good idea to buy nine lizards. Turns out, these exothermic reptiles are biologically incapable of maintaining homeostasis and require sunlight to regulate their internal body temperatures--thanks for excluding this little nugget of information, Keith from the pet store in the mall. Knowing what I know now, I probably would have purchased a pet more appropriate to my lifestyle as a cave dweller such as a bat or a mutant spelunker zombie. But now I'm stuck with these goddamn lizards that have grown weak from the conspicuous lack of light in my humble subterranean home. So here's my question: is it worth it to drastically change my lifestyle by moving to a well-lit above ground location or should I just let my lizards shrivel and die?
Konflicted in Caveborough, UT

Dear Konflicted,
Great question. Well, it's not great, but it is pretty good. I mean, it's not the best question I've ever heard, but it's not the worst either. If I had to rank it amongst every question I've ever heard in my life, I'd say it's probably in the second or third tier, which, again, isn't the worst. But seriously, you don't honestly expect me to take everything I'm handed and say it's the best I've ever heard, do you? I mean, what does that do to my credibility? Christ, I've got a reputation to uphold. You expect me to fold like a tube top on laundry day just to stroke your precious ego? Well, think again, sir or madam. And another thing, where do you get off thinking I'd even care about your boring, stupid life? I've got a life of my own to take care of, you know. I don't have time to be bombarded by questions every minute of my waking life. All I want is a moment's peace. Is that so damn hard to ask?
Yours truly,
Peter Doe

-Please send all your inquiries to TKK's P.O. box. If you don't already know the exact address, then you don't deserve Mr. Doe's advice.-

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