Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Back in the Day

To placate The Korner's staff nonagenarian, we once again bring you K. Hume O'Henderbaum. Kurmudgeonly as ever, Mr. O'Henderbaum highlights several of his latest beefs with this day and age in a meandering, almost incoherent diatribe. While staff opinion of this dinosaur is mixed tending towards dislike, kommentator Peter Doe is an avid follower. "Hume's good. Damn good. His stuff was my bread and butter growing up. Hell, I'd probably be him if I were born 50 years earlier," Doe remarked. What will you, the reader, think of K. Hume? See for yourself:

If there's one thing I don't understand about the world today it's the seatbelt. There are seatbelts in every automobile these days, and you're goddamned if you don't wear 'em. And that's not just because the sheriff'll get sore at you--the whole town will scoff and scowl at you. I just don't get it. In my day, we didn't need seatbelts. The namby-pamby, good-for-nothing kids of today think they're too good to be forcibly ejected through a windshield. But let me tell you, that kinda thing builds character. I wouldn't be half the man I am today if I hadn't lost my legs in that Model T collision--which is ironic, because I am physically half the man I was.
But that's not the point. The point is people today are weak. They're all, "Oh, boo-hoo, I just cut myself on a rusty nail. I need a tetanus shot!" Hog wash! We'd got cut up all the time in my day, and would think nothing of it. So tetanus and gangrene were rampant. But what did gangrene ever do to anyone except for the occasional need for amputation? Look at me: I have no legs and I get by just fine. Not many other old-timers like myself own their own houseboat. I don't see what the big fuss is over these "germ" things that are probably just a government hoax designed to scare folks.
There are a lot of things I don't understand about this crazy world as of late, but one thing that puzzles me perhaps more than any other is the so-called "condom." I hear that nowadays people use something called "latex" as a contraceptive barrier during the physical act of love. I don't know what this latex is but its probably something some bleeding-heart, liberal, intellectual, commie college-boy invented back east. What I do know is that I'll stick to the trusty, honest, good old-fashioned method of birth control: a tied-off segment of sheep's intestine. So what if it resulted in 25 unwanted pregnancies over the years? Last I checked, .300 is a pretty good batting average. And anyways, only seven of those 25 survived 'til maturity due to the limited medical technology of that time.
In conclusion, get off my lawn you kids!

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