Hello. It's me. Peter Doe. Long time, no rant. Looks like I remembered the login credentials and password for The Kreation Korner. And I bet you a steak dinner those bleeding hearts won't take this down since everything on their mediocre blog is precious. Anyways, you may ask why I've come out of the proverbial woodwork. As it turns out, I'm on sabbatical from my egg business in Midvale and am currently down in that wannabe-urban rat race know as Boise, Idaho. Specifically, I'm camped out on the overflow parking lot at St. Alf's Regional Medical Center along with anywhere between 20 and 200 of my old compatriots from my militia days. Why are we occupying a seemingly inconsequential patch of asphalt? As you know, this lousy planet is a place of constant suffering. Too many people encounter real, daily violence to their civil rights, their dignity, their very happiness, safety, and health. Usually, I'm able to tune this crap out. But in instances where I feel my immediate personal sense of order is threatened--no matter how abstractly, obliquely, and/or insignificantly--I am obliged to privilege this instance with an act of insurrection. So when I found out St. Alf's was poised to rip up its overflow parking lot to build the Dinnis D. and Tamala J. Baysmund Center for Advanced Pediatric Oncology, I had to act. You see, the framers of the United States Constitution guaranteed certain inalienable liberties for folks like me. One of those liberties is the right to park my LeSabre in a hospital's overflow lot when I want to attend a short-season single-A minor-league baseball game across the street. Therefore, we plan to remain on this lot for a week, a month, a year, or however long it takes those medical morons to extract their heads from their asses and spare the lot. In our righteous haste to block the removal of that which is rightly ours, it appears we packed insufficient provisions. We cannot fight tyranny with empty and grumbling tummies! Our demands are as follows:
-4x Red Vines® Original Red Twists, 5.5 lbs. tub
-8x Frito-Lay® Bold Mix variety pack, 32ct.
-14x Gardetto's® Roasted Garlic Rye Chips, 8oz. bag (pack of 12)
-3x Hunt's Snack Pack® Pudding, Butterscotch, 3.5oz., 36-cup variety pack
-11x GoGo SqueeZ® Applesauce On The Go, 3.2oz. pouch (pack of 48)
-27x Oh Boy! Oberto® Peppered Thin Style Beef Jerky, 3oz. bag (pack of 2)
-34x Keebler® Sandwich Crackers, Club & Cheddar, 8ct.
-24x Nature Valley® Sweet & Salty Nut Granola Bar, Peanut Butter, 16ct.
-7x Mars® Chocolate Favorites variety pack, 135ct.
-13x Blue Diamond® Bold Sriracha Almonds, 6oz. can
-17x Tostitos® Salsa Con Queso, Medium, 15oz. jar
-5x Tostitos® Corn Chips Scoops! 100% White Corn, Family Size, 14.5oz.
We are well aware that the illegitimate regime running this country may laugh at us. But we know that deep down the government fears us. Hell, I bet most those clowns in government secretly agree with us. So search your souls and do what's right and just. Send us snacks. Don't test our resolve, especially when we're hangry. Ask yourselves: who will be laughing when hundreds of freedom-loving patriots descend upon Washington with bellies full of Snyder's of Hanover® Honey Mustard & Onion Pretzel Pieces?
Saturday, January 9, 2016
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