Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Kommentary Korner: A Grievance

Recently, this very weblog published a column by the brash Nash Stillwater. I tend to see The Korner as hit or miss. Stillwater’s unfortunate opinions fall under the latter category. In the past, I have expressed my disgust for this impetuous rapscallion, but my feelings of animosity towards him are reaching a breaking point. Not only does his weepy, patronizing brand of pontification besmirch the hallowed name “Kommentary Korner,” my direct interpersonal encounters with him have compelled my blood to boil and my nerves to sublimate. Talk about one preachy asshole! The other day, for example, Huey Dood popped into the HQ with five large Wizard of ‘Za pizzas for the troops. I quickly noticed they were all pepperoni so I complained to Huey in a lighthearted manner, “Would it have killed you to have gotten just one supreme, goofball?” We were just joshing around, but Stillwater had to get all serious on our asses. He said, “You know, Pete, there are children in India who would give anything to have this pepperoni pizza. All they have is cheese with sub par tomato sauce.” After that, we all just stared quietly at our pie for ten straight minutes shamefully taking small bites. Not only did Stillwater dispatch the buzz at what would have undoubtedly been a legendary pizza party, he called me "Pete" after I made it explicitly clear that my preferred name is either Mr. Doe or Peterskeeter. Furthermore, he also had the rocks to tell me this morning that I should trade in my 1975 LeSabre for “something with better gas mileage.” Of all the nerve! Judith has stood faithfully by my side for the better part of 30 years, and this kid just expects me to abandon her for some half-electric Toyota hussy? I’ve had it up to here (imagine I’m holding my hand up really quite high) with Nash Stillwater. I know he’s spearheading the Header Committee and is considered by some to be a valued kontributor, but I will not just fold like a crepe on crepe day as Stillwater consistently disrespects my authority as Kommentator Laureate. As it is clear that the ever reluctant Korner staff will not reprehend him for his impudence, I have decided to take it upon myself to teach the brazen Nash Stillwater his place. To do so, I hereby challenge him to seven rounds of fisticuffs—Cityville rules; down and dirty. You pick the day, time, location, attire and post-match refreshments, Stillwater. I just want you to be comfortable before the swift pugilistic fury of Doe justice comes crashing down onto your sorry frame. --Peter Doe

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