Friday, May 22, 2009

Kommentary Korner

Not to be a downer, but there is no reason why we deserve to be happy in this land of plenty. How can we even put a smile on our faces when there is so much suffering on this planet? What gives us the right to even get up in the morning when there are those out there without water beds?
Let me lay some statistics on you to better illustrate these woes: every time you eat a patty melt, 87 third world children starve to death. Every time you drink a grape Fanta, 143 children die of thirst. If it's strawberry flavor, make that 216 children. Every time you chew a half to whole stick of wintermint gum a staggering 456 needy children die by horrific means reminiscent of chewing. Feel guilty yet? You should.
Did you know that the electricity required to watch the season finale of NBC's The Biggest Loser on your video iPod could be used instead to power the entire country of Haiti for three entire weeks? Of course you don't know this. You're too busy watching the season finale of NBC's The Biggest Loser on your video iPod. If you ask me, the biggest loser in this unfortunate pickle our world is in is you, you ignorant capitalist pig.
The excesses of our American lifestyle do not merely result in human losses. Oh no. Mother Earth feels the pinch too when we indulge in our four-meat dinners and soak for hours in our Hollywood Jacuzzis. Did you know that every time you turn the key in your Hummer H3, four entire species of sea lion are swiftly eradicated by catastrophic oil spills? How about this disturbing little nugget: every time you deposit a crumpled sports section of a medium distribution daily metropolitan newspaper into a trash can rather than a clearly marked recycling receptacle, 48,678.3 acres of pristine rain forest are reduced to a hellish expanse of charred stumps.
Do you think it ends here? If you do, then you're a goddamn asshole. Just remember that the next time you eat a sautéed link of gourmet venison sausage you're denying the deer meat required to sustain one gray wolf. One doesn't sound like many, but wolves are a keystone species. Taking one of them out is tantamount to making an unadvised move in Hasbro's Jenga (the Jenga tower in this analogy is the entire ecosystem while a single precariously located block is the wolf).
I could go on and on like this, but someone less fortunate than I deserves the oxygen my brain requires to recall additional distressing statistics. In closing, the next time you engage in consumption of any variety, make sure to feel very, very bad about yourself.
--Nash Stillwater

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