On The Bench

It is with trepidatious hearts that we bring you what is undoubtedly the latest chapter in an unfortunate story we've observed unfolding in our immediate surroundings. You may recall a a post from August 2012 in which we decried the appearance of possible harbingers of redevelopment on our beloved Bench. Today, we regret to inform you that new information has come to light--information that far transcends mere portentousness and demonstrates that the kommodification of our neighborhood by growth machinists is imminent. We came by this knowledge when our own Damien Melange, though in sanctuary at the Surinamese consulate on Boise's swanky Embassy Row, hacked the following korrespondance from a data center in the American Southwest early this morning:

Our immediate reaction, other than confusion at the letter's excessive and alienating use of jargon, was one of horror at the realization that new development is coming down the pipeline right under our sniffers. One would think that as long-time residents of the Bench our input on these drastic measures would be valued. But our elected and appointed leaders didn't even so much as email us a Poll Primate questionnaire! We know now that "EUCLID" stands for "Emerald Urban Corridor Local Improvement District", but would assuredly still be in the dark if we didn't have an informant in the Planning & Zoning office. Clearly, our supposedly incorruptible city government is kolluding with this Hart Packard scumbag to refashion our enclave as the tony Emerald Urban Corridor, probably to make it more "livable"--whatever that means. How brazen it is to think one can actually make a place!

Map by Hadley Daughterson. Satellite base layer kourtesy of Google Maps

As this discovery has sunk in over the hours here at the HQ, our feelings have grown surprisingly divided. On one end of the spectrum, there are those kontributors among us who believe that preservation of the Bench, the very seat of Kreationism, in its present state is vital to maintaining a coherent Kause here and in the Kreative diaspora around the world.  maljohn, for instance, has taken advantage of the unseasonably clement weather of late and chained himself to a vacant lot across the street in protest of any and all revitalization projects that would threaten our ancestral homeland, so to speak. Another kamp at the Korner, composed mostly of the younger generation, seems to be of the mind that humanity is rapidly entering a post-spatial age in which kranial implants will allow us to interface to a fully virtual existence a la the Wachowskis' Matrix franchise. Needless to say, their feelings on the very physical HQ and Kommune are "meh". Wherever any one of us stands, time waits for no Kreationist and we've all resolved to remain stoic and vigilant as Packard's malevolent timetables loom nearer. Stay tuned for more, if any, Bench redevelopment updates.

Koding Korner

It seems these days one can't walk any measurement of distance without hearing about coding. Coding, coding, coding! Should we learn to code? Is coding as essential a skill as basic reading or math? To gain some perspective on this ubiquitous yet elusive practice, we held a video kontest. We asked for submissions that vividly encapsulate the kultural importance of coding in under two minutes. The following is the only entry we received. We were hoping for more, but acknowledge that we are likely at fault for the deficiency as we totally spaced advertising. Come to think of it, we're puzzled as to how this "Cube A. Sick" character even heard about it. In any case, Sick made a pretty deece vid (decent video). We're sure it would have easily been a kontender for runner-up had we received more submissions. Input:  

Kommentary Klassik

Happy Twenty-Fourteen, Kommon Era! What better way to ring in the new than with a classic rant from K. Hume O'Henderbaum? Entitled "Old Lame Sun," this diatribe was originally spouted off 50 years ago today. Although undeniably a product of the Cold War epoch, we feel it holds up pretty well and has plenty of relevant insights for the present day. Take heed (disklaimer: Mr. O'Henderbaum's opinions are what some may konsider radical and deeply disturbing. His views do not necessarily reflect those of the entire Kreation Krew. Please do not read the following if you're mind is closed to extreme kreative possibilities):

The dawn of a new year is an ideal time to reflect on the cosmos and our meager roles in it. Why, I was contemplating this very subject at Dan's Grouse Inn last night during the waning hours of 1963 when it struck me: why do we need years at all? Perhaps since as early as this planet first coalesced from an unremarkable cloud of dust, we've revolved around the sun. Again and again and again some more! After a few eons of this, we invented the concept of the year to make sense of this arbitrary oblong our habitable orb traces. And what has the sun done for us? Burned our skin. Blinded our eyes. Call this hopheaded pseudoscience, but I suspect the sun is even changing our climate, leading inevitably to environmental degradation, resource scarcity and subsequently a widening gap between the world's rich and poor. Sure, the sun is responsible for all life on this planet, but, given our current social and political trajectory, who's to say life was such a good invention? If you ask me, we human beings are in a rut. We're too afraid to break out of our comfort zone. We're complacent thinking in terms of "years" and predicating all our assumptions on this unquestioned construct. The only way to truly challenge ourselves as a species is to climb out of this rut, to jostle ourselves out of this orbit. I'm not speaking metaphorically here. Heck, between us and the commies we've got enough firepower to propel the earth into deep space. It's just a matter of piling up every nuclear weapon the world over in one single unpopulated location and then detonating them all at once. This ought to be enough of a blast to push this rock onto a tangential path out of this dead end solar system. How will we live without the sun? Well, we can only learn if we check our ideologies and preconceptions at the door of fate. Only then can we explore the unknown and truly grow together, united as we hurtle through the dark depths of the interstellar void.
--K. Hume O'Henderbaum 

(Originally broadcasted on KRTN Radio, Jan. 1, 1964) 

Trend Alert! (New Year edition)

Here's what's trending as the earth completes yet another astonishing orbit of the sun:

1. Russian blast

2. 'Duck Dynasty'

3. Ice-bound ship

4. Marijuana

5. Tech 'fails'

6. Brain death

7. 'The Good Stuff'

8. Holiday gluttony

9. Best of 2013

Have a trendy new year!

(Trends courtesy of CNN Trends)

Kollaboration Korner

Wake up, yon sleepy-heads, yon Van Winkles of this ever-expanding Kreative multiverse. If you thought that yesterday's post would be all you'd hear from these parts for the week, you are quite mistaken. Kreation, as with time, waits for no man.

Now, with the perfunctory what-have-yous safely in the rear-view mirror, let's get down to cases. Undoubtedly you are aware of his long-standing collaborative efforts with fellow Korner stalwart, Chris Peebles, seminal outcroppings of which have taken place in the environs of Idaho and Southern California. We are pleased to say that, in this case, lightning strikes thrice, this time in BLENKO's current place of residence, San Francisco. Luckily, one or the other of them thought to document the damn thing, and what we have here is each Kreationist's take on the occasion. These pieces work as a conceptual whole, and we have found that viewing them simultaneously produces overwhelming results, the consequences of which we will not be held responsible for. Lick it up:

Chris' Kut:



BLENKO's Kut:

Motivation Korner

Greetings, Kreationists. Today we are delighted to bring you another treat from the archives, courtesy of Korner archivist, Gabe Gabriel. This piece, sourced from the private collection of an anonymous benefactor, may look familiar to you.

Recognize it? No doubt you do. Of course you'll recall our post a mere four years ago unveiling the discovery of a genuine Das Amakorp graphic print, which has since been dated to 1983. Note the stylistic affinity between the two pieces. In fact, top Das Amakorp designer, Ean Leib, was behind both. This piece, which we call "Damage Art," was apparently intended as a motivational poster, and it stands the test of time. Tuner Jazzman was sufficiently motivated to smash his Le Baron into a telephone pole after viewing this poster, an act which he proudly declared as "a defiant statement of intent." This is yet another exciting, perplexing, and motivating discovery in Kreation history.

Dogooderism Korner

Today's post comes from our pater saccharum Greg Purt. You may remember the bad business we had some years back with our erstwhile benefactor Chas Murdoch. Purt pulled through for us in a pinch, and apparently now it's time for us to return the favor. Though admittedly we're a little peeved as we were led to believe we'd entered a no-strings-attached sponsorship, Greg's request is modest--just a little plug for his company Buenos Dias Production's new health initiative. Let's get this over with:

Guten Tag,

At Buenos Dias Productions, pushing out quality family, teen and adult video entertainment isn't our only passion. We also care deeply about health. In fact it's one of the 19 core tenets in our mission statement! In order to promote a healthier world, we feel it starts with progressive companies like ours. That's why I'm so excited today to unveil our 20-33-49 plan. BDP's top executives have unanimously resolved to reduce sodium usage in our corporate office's cafeteria by 20% by 2018, cut refined sugar consumption by 33% by 2022 and increase our use of locally sourced, organic produce by 49% by 2029. 

20-33-49. It's proactive. It's actionable. It's bold. Change comes from the top and Buenos Dias is proud to be on the cutting edge making this a healthier, happier and all around better planet to live on. I challenge other business leaders to adopt the 20-33-49 model and prove, as we have, that good business is about much more than just the bottom line!

Best Regards,

Greg Purt, CEO

Buenos Dias Productions