Lately, The Korner has been inundated with korrespondences in every imaginable format. Our mailboxes are full--both electronic and snail, our pigeon holes are bottlenecked and the telegraph machine literally blew up. What does everyone want to know (other than what Howard Fork smells like)? They want to see the face of the workaday life of professional Kreationists. For our loyal followers who live in parts afar, we've learned that it's difficult for them to visualize and relate to the kreative life here in Boise's Little Novgorod district. Try as we might to push the limits of written language, one thousand words isn't worth a picture. As such, we bring you today the first in what we hope will be a series of photo essays vividly illustrating the places we live and work in the ongoing effort to deliver our brand of kutting edge Kreationistic kontent. Feast your eyes:

This image is of the now infamous Kreation Korner HQ. Akwired in late 2007, the HQ has served as the nerve center of the Kreationism movement ever since and is a class B office space. Although many of our kreative kapacities of have relocated to the kommune, the HQ retains all administrative functions.


Home sweet home! This handsome structure is the new kommune that has been causing quite the stir amongst our readers as of late. Since settling the property in July, we've been attaining new benchmarks in kreativity daily. Think of it as a barracks for soldiers in the Kreation Kause.


Here's an extra treat. This is Union Credit, the credit union where The Korner does virtually all of its banking. UC's responsive, down-to-earth staff belies the mysteriousness of the building's outlandish design. It is the only structure of its kind on General Westmoreland Blvd and one of very few planet-wide.

Damn that television

Hey all you trekkies and TV addicts. We owe you an explanation about the lapse in Korner output of late. It all started one fateful Friday last month. What started out as an innocent Netflix and chili night quickly devolved (or evolved as we came to realize) into us compulsively consuming televisual content for hours on end--"binge watching," to coin a phrase. Hours turned to days, days to weeks. All told, between each staff member, we watched every television episode available across every cable and streaming service. Every able computer, tablet, smart phone, and smart TV streamed 24/7 in the HQ and we consumed and consumed--often three to four shows at once. HD HQ, it came to be known, totally permeated by the beautiful pandemonium of dozens of episodes playing at once. We became one with the TV and it became one with us. Each salient story, each charismatic character, each spellbinding setting. We laughed, we cried. We were excited, we were bored. We were tired, we were sickened, we were satiated. And yet left longing eternally for more, for something just out of grasp but we remained naively optimistic, as a child reborn. In short, we lived. This truly is the Golden Age of television, and for five weeks, our humble HQ served as the inner-most sanctum of it's highest temple, as perhaps the grand movie palaces of old were for storytelling of cultural consequence in days of yore. But alas, as we punched through our chrysalises and stretched our metamorphosed limbs towards the lurid light of day, our transcendent experience of being part and parcel with the medium and message of TV became a transient and vaguely recollected dream. All we know is that we were, for five short weeks, amid something far greater than our individual selves. But now it's time to get back to work. Glad to see rythm A and Steed Stetson kept the home fires burning while we were away. In conclusion, Westworld is overrated. Everything those Nolan boys touch is riddled with gimmicks and lacks the slightest inkling of anything remotely resembling humor. And the "dialogue" is just the characters (or caricatures) taking turns delivering speeches. Skip it if you get the chance. 

Konstruction Korner

Wouldn't it be nice to have an HQ to match the staggering grandeur and majesty of the Kreative Tradition itself? That must have been the thought process of Gabe Gabriel and his son when they conceived of and rendered the following koncept drawing:

This bold structure towers to over 200 feet and boasts at least five facing materials and a revolutionary closed-loop, zero-waste environmental system. Although our present mid-century offices have served us well these past 6.5 years, we can't help but imagine what it must be like to kreate in a bona fide monument such as the one the Gabes dreamed up. Unfortunately, the City of Boise's design review commission found this self-sustaining, kolumnated edifice of Kreativity to be "an eyesore that is inconsistent with the scale and urban fabric of the surrounding neighborhood." Clearly, the Treasure Valley isn't ready for stunning architecture of this ilk. If only we had a shekel for every time we were ahead of our time. Ah well. Until the world comes around, we'll settle for a more modest answer to our urgent need for additional work space. Just this afternoon, in fact, we put 5,000USD down on an 8-year option to acquire the building pictured below to serve as an annex to the HQ. It's essentially next door and will house our printshop, musique koncrète studio and accounts receivable department.

   

Kondolence Korner

We regret that our first post of the new year is a vehicle for tragic news. Early this morning, our beloved kustodian Errick Walsh was found dead in the HQ’s rear stairwell. It’s too early to pinpoint the exact cause of death, but the koroner suspects it may be related to the broom handle that impaled Walsh’s abdomen when he conceivably fell on it.* Even in his last moments, it would seem Errick was kommitted to the kause, fulfilling his duties lest we kreate in abject squalor. Errick Walsh will not be remembered exclusively as a proficient janitor but also as an enthusiastic man who had a zest for life. Death is mysterious and often scary to think about, but it’s also inevitable, and we wish our Errick the best of luck in exploring the great, postmortem unknown. He will be sorely missed.** A memorial service will be held at the Third Russian Orthodox Church of Boise tomorrow at 11 am.

Errick Walsh

1958-2011

*The circumstances surrounding Walsh’s passing are indeed fishy, and foul play hasn’t been ruled out. Let us know if you hear any details that shed further light on this unfortunate event.
**As crass as it is to bring up business during a time of grieving, the fact is we need a new Kreation Kustodian. Please slide résumés under the HQ’s front door, and, please, be humble--you’ve got big work boots to fill.

Going Once, Going Twice

Have you ever wanted to own a piece of genuine Kreation Korner history? Are you weary of printing out our posts on your Deskjet and cradling them in your mitts as some ersatz relic of the Kreationism Movement? If this describes you then today's your day! For a nominal fee, you can bring into your possession an art object krafted by one of your favorite kreationists. We got the idea for this auction when we noticed the staff's propensity to utilize office supplies and software for non-work-related doodles. Rather than punish them for misusing company resources, we have chosen to highlight their wastefulness as kreative output while simultaneously parlaying it into a much-needed revenue stream*. To take advantage of this exciting opportunity, simply inscribe the number corresponding to the piece below that strikes your fancy--along with your name and mailing address--in blue or black ink on a fluorescent green 3x5 notecard, along with what you feel is a fair price in US dollars, and slide it under the front door of the HQ. The goods will go to the highest bidders. If your price is accepted, expect to receive your merchandise in an authenticity-stamped archival sleeve in 3 to 40 business days. Assign value to:

1. Chris Peebles, A Man A Plant A Canal, 2015, pencil on tablet paper

2. Gabe Gabriel, Arrow Of Your Ways, 2013, digital image

3. Svetlana Mendoza, Cleansing Fire, c.2016, pencil on notebook paper

4. GRECH, Filing System Experiment, 2016, various pens & markers, stamp, stickers, and white-out tape on manila folder

5. Lee Watt, Square Study No. 5, 2016, pencil on scratch paper

6. Hadley Daughterson, Forest Of Your Mind, 2016, digital image 

7. Huey Dood, Where's My D.G.?, 2016, various pens & markers on legal pad

*(The following was very painful for us to write but the truth demands to be told.) Why, you may ask, has the Korner seemed so obsessed by money these past few months? From branding campaigns to content marketing, it may seem as though the Korner is engaged in the distasteful business of monetizing our output. Unfortunately, that is a fair assessment. But hear us out: over the summer, our laissez-faire benefactor Buenos Dias Productions was acquired by the multinational Amacorp Diversified Technologies. It was naïve for us to assume this betrayal wouldn't come some day when we got in bed with capitalists. Anyways, in Amacorp's initial assessment of their subsidiaries, The Kreation Korner was identified as an "underperforming property" and presented with a performance improvement plan--which of course we had no intention of following. As such, the only way for us to retain control of the means of production is to get out there on our own and hustle to make a buck. Talk about a reality check! By now, most of us have had to take straight day jobs just to keep the proverbial and actual lights on at the HQ, which leaves precious little time for kreating. Although you've seen and will likely continue to see less-frequent yields from us as a result, it is our sincerest hope that our new "quality over quantity" model will be as stimulating and galvanizing for you as ever. We could view this focus on cold hard cash as perverse, even compromising to the very integrity of the Kreationism franchise. Rather, our beleaguered staff is more or less in agreement at this point that our idealism is a worthy sacrifice to keep Kreationism widely available in at least some form in a sociopoliticoecomomic context monstrously unwilling to assign it value. To remain intransigent in the very real face financial ruin would mean certain death for The Korner. We are not above adapting to survive. We cannot thank you enough for your continued loyalty, patience, and understanding during this strange and difficult journey.

Musik Korner

The force behind "Freak ur head" recently resurfaced and set up an impregnable fortress of drum machines, samplers, and polyphonic ephemera in the Kreation Korner HQ. They have not come out for food, water, or bathroom breaks in seven days, begging the question whether they are an entity that requires such base necessities. The music pumps nonstop through the Kreation Korner HQ. Productivity is at an all-time "other." To wit:

Konspiracy Korner!

Well, komrades, the day we've been dreading for nearly a year has finally come. Unfortunately, we've discovered a troubling thumbprint of ostensibly the same shadowy syndicate we reported on last winter. But this time, we don't have the buffer of most of a continent and one of our larger oceans insulating us from this terrifying apparition. Prepare to gasp in horror: it was discovered on a sidewalk in Caldwell--not 30 miles from The Kreation Korner HQ's front door. And it's as vague, elusive and frightening as the imprecise hand that inscribed it:


If you blur your eyes and move your head slowly toward and away from your monitor for a while, you should be able to compensate for this crappy photo and see the letters "KK" and "EW" carved into the cement. To say this is chilling is just the tip of the intrigue iceberg. "KK"? Hmm, those initials smack of a certain Korner we all know and love. The implications are alarming. What does "EW" stand for? Who left this mark? Why are they pulling our strings? What's their endgame? Is it a private organization or a limited liability corporation? These questions and more have been bandied about in and around the HQ and the answers are few and far between. When and where will the next calling card of this subversive brotherhood appear? We're of the mind that dwelling on it will only make us vulnerable. If we stand tall and undaunted, there's no question we'll be sorted with the sheep when the inevitable final showdown between pure, righteous Kreationism and wicked, perverse Kreationism occurs.

Best,
The Kreation Krew

On The Bench

It is with trepidatious hearts that we bring you what is undoubtedly the latest chapter in an unfortunate story we've observed unfolding in our immediate surroundings. You may recall a a post from August 2012 in which we decried the appearance of possible harbingers of redevelopment on our beloved Bench. Today, we regret to inform you that new information has come to light--information that far transcends mere portentousness and demonstrates that the kommodification of our neighborhood by growth machinists is imminent. We came by this knowledge when our own Damien Melange, though in sanctuary at the Surinamese consulate on Boise's swanky Embassy Row, hacked the following korrespondance from a data center in the American Southwest early this morning:

Our immediate reaction, other than confusion at the letter's excessive and alienating use of jargon, was one of horror at the realization that new development is coming down the pipeline right under our sniffers. One would think that as long-time residents of the Bench our input on these drastic measures would be valued. But our elected and appointed leaders didn't even so much as email us a Poll Primate questionnaire! We know now that "EUCLID" stands for "Emerald Urban Corridor Local Improvement District", but would assuredly still be in the dark if we didn't have an informant in the Planning & Zoning office. Clearly, our supposedly incorruptible city government is kolluding with this Hart Packard scumbag to refashion our enclave as the tony Emerald Urban Corridor, probably to make it more "livable"--whatever that means. How brazen it is to think one can actually make a place!

Map by Hadley Daughterson. Satellite base layer kourtesy of Google Maps

As this discovery has sunk in over the hours here at the HQ, our feelings have grown surprisingly divided. On one end of the spectrum, there are those kontributors among us who believe that preservation of the Bench, the very seat of Kreationism, in its present state is vital to maintaining a coherent Kause here and in the Kreative diaspora around the world.  maljohn, for instance, has taken advantage of the unseasonably clement weather of late and chained himself to a vacant lot across the street in protest of any and all revitalization projects that would threaten our ancestral homeland, so to speak. Another kamp at the Korner, composed mostly of the younger generation, seems to be of the mind that humanity is rapidly entering a post-spatial age in which kranial implants will allow us to interface to a fully virtual existence a la the Wachowskis' Matrix franchise. Needless to say, their feelings on the very physical HQ and Kommune are "meh". Wherever any one of us stands, time waits for no Kreationist and we've all resolved to remain stoic and vigilant as Packard's malevolent timetables loom nearer. Stay tuned for more, if any, Bench redevelopment updates.

Displacement Korner

One month without a new post--easily the longest dry-spell in Kreation Korner history. But we are well justified in this deficiency. We're not a bunch of shiftless assholes. As you know, our rogue, sentient computer--which has dubbed itself APEKS--does what it wants, when it wants. Early in April, APEKS decided to patch into our environmental systems and flood both the HQ and Kommune with a lethal mixture of nitrous oxide and generic windex. Our best guess is that the cold logic of the machine's malevolent circuits deemed us imperfect biological entities who served only as obstructions to the advancement of pure kreativity. Luckily, we managed to escape with our lives--although Tum Cruz was legally dead for nearly three minutes and came to with a hitherto unknown talent for chainsaw sculptures. During the past several weeks, we endeavored to make our voice heard in the blogosphere, but the WiFi at Tsarbucks is wack, if you'll pardon the techno-babble. Additionally, the psychological trauma of being expelled from one's own korner often proved incapacitating. But now the toxic atmospheres have dispersed, and it's time to reclaim our lost month in the name of Kreation. APEKS seems dormant for now, but we'll sleep with both eyes open from now on just in case.

Out of the Mouths of Gabes

"Expressing incredulity at the inexorable passage of time is so trite. That said, can you believe Superbad came out 13 years ago?!" 

--Overheard at The Kreation Korner HQ, Boise, 2/21/2020

Is This Anything?

It is with great pleasure on this glorious Sunday that we introduce a new segment to the Korner. Despite our best efforts, it seems there has been a growing rift between performer and spectator within the Korner realm. With a healthy fear of kreative proletariat uprising in mind, we at the Korner HQ have devised a plan to put you, the faithful reader, in the proverbial driver's seat of the sensible economy automobile that is the Kreation Korner. We have here a statement of unknown origin. It is up to you, our fanbase, to give us your opinion of it. Is it a poem? A story? A window into the human soul? A MySpace bulletin? Just remember, there's no such thing as a wrong answer. Have at it!

Is the cat still stuck in the tree?

What do you think we should do if it's still there?




It's been up there since Monday.

Konvention Korner

Where have we been all your life? Candidly, that's between you and your pastor. But we can speak to our absence the past 3.5 weeks. The entire Krew has been realigned from their regular tasks to prepare material and materiel for the 14th annual Portland Zine Symposium. This has been a time-consuming but rewarding process, though not without its challenges--most notably the ordeal of briefing our table representatives, the inattentive Chris Peebles and the mercurial BLENKO. Another hiccup occurred when GRECH used all of our marketing kollateral to build and subsequently burn an effigy of FCC Chairman Tom Wheeler. As luck would and usually does have it however, we found a solution thanks to Gabe Gabriel's acumen as an archive spelunker. He managed to dig up some old promotional items from a previous iteration of The Kreation Korner that, although a tad outdated, will spread the word of our Kause at the Sympo nonetheless. If you're in or around PDX the weekend of July 12 & 13, stop by Ambridge Event Center in the Lloyd District and see us! Until then, enjoy these gems Gabe stumbled upon during our preparation efforts:

Previous Kreation Korner HQ, Downtown Boise, c.1996

Kreation Korner West at the height of the dot-com bubble, San Francisco, c.1999    

Konsternation Korner

There’s been a noticeable lack of kontent these past few weeks and for that we humbly ask your forgiveness. But in our defense, kreating has been the least of worries. The least indeed. We here at The Korner have been embroiled in a krisis whose implications span far beyond the four or so walls of the HQ. Let’s start from the beginning...
Remember a month ago when we suffered the loss of our beloved kustodian Errick Walsh? Do you further recall the potentially nefarious circumstances surrounding his demise? Well, it sure didn’t sit well with us so we did some digging. Our staff hacker-cum-transparency advocate Damien Melange stumbled upon a digitized ledger belonging to none other than our supposedly benevolent financier Chas Murdoch. In this document, we noticed a troubling line indicating that Murdoch paid the late Walsh $250 US for something called “services rendered”. Who knows what this could mean? All we know is that it sounds sinister and that Errick died a week later. This is too coincidental to be an accident if you ask us. Do we think Walsh was paid to do something unsavory and was subsequently offed to keep his mouth shut? Not necessarily. But we believe in something called the burden of proof. We've been more than tolerant of Mr. Murdoch's kut-throat korporate ways in the past, but now we demand a statement regarding his komplicity in this despicable act. Errick Walsh deserves dignity even in death and, more importantly, the dignity of the entire Kreative experiment must be upheld. We await a response.

Enkorner

As you know, we're always on the prowl for promising new kreationists. As fate would have it, we stumbled across one such individual at the Lobster & Theremin English Pub at open mic night last Tuesday. His name is Rasmus Wright, and mark our words, the music industry better watch its back. The sounds he generates defy description and even the konventional sensory inputs associated with music--maljohn swore he could taste one of the songs for a few bars. Turns out Ras lives just a few blocks from the HQ. How this flickering lamp of kreative revelation was hidden under a basket for so long we'll never know. But now he's out, and he's an inspiration to us all. He's a true kreator in the DIY spirit, never having stepped foot in a traditional recording studio. "I don't buy into that whole major label, mass-production model," Wright told us after his set. "I just use my Mac." What a neat guy. Anyways, here's his latest track, "Hotels Downtown." Discern:

DigitaLP Korner

The Kreation Korner rarely hesitates to enthusiastically promote those whom we perceive as partners in our Kause. Rasmus Wright is one such honorary kreationist. We had the privilege of featuring several of his tracks on The Korner during the waning months of 2011. It would appear R.W. has been busy in the time that has elapsed! Just this month, he let slip his debut album upon that dynamic system of global networks that connects us all (internet). It's entitled "2&2"and initial reviews are astonishingly mixed. Although an early champion of the young prophet of Psychoamericana, venerable rock critic Rapaport Graves opined in a pithy capsule review of the album: "Quantity vs. quality? Wright's diaphanous debut disc lacks both." We gave Rasmus an opportunity for rebuttal during an exclusive impromptu hibachi-side interview at the "2&2" release party at the HQ last night: "The age of the Stadium Arcadium-length release is over. We're in the era of the Myspacebook and Microtweeting. The mercurial listening public's pendulum has swung toward the brief and I'm their humble servant...at least until I get bored." Only time will tell how history will or will not remember Rasmus Wright, but what we can say today with certainty is that we expended our weekly bandwidth allotment to post his album so please take a listen:

Komedy Korner

As I'm sure you've noticed, The Korner's kreative output this past month has been sparse at best. The economic discontent that plagued us so thoroughly last fall has once again reared its ugly face, to use a figure of speech. On top of that, we are under the constant threat of infection by a pig-born virus that is as savage and despicable as the animal from whence it came. Try being kreative under all that pressure. Anyways, with what little of our funding remains being put towards retrofitting The Kreation Korner HQ as a pandemic shelter (and, while we're at it, a zombie apocalypse shelter), kreation isn't exactly on the radar. With failure to kreate being a breach of our charter, The Korner's future has been looking bleak. But as luck would--and usually does--have it, a fresh, new kontributor has entered our midst with what will hopefully pan out to be a reinvigorating effect. He is a practitioner of humor named Dugg Focks. Our own Davin Krengel was at the Tsar Mart stocking up on Big League Chew and TGIF Mudslide Mix when he overheard Focks wowing the florist and several customers with his piano-wire wit. Requesting to be paid only in pieces of eight, Focks has allowed us to showcase some of his jocularisms. Accept his gift of laughter and don't worry about The Korner--we'll weather this shit storm. Cherish:

A man wanted to play a prank on his coworker, so he called up his coworker's wife and told her not to prepare dinner that evening because he and her husband would be taking a client out to dinner. Chuckling, the man set the receiver back into its cradle. After a hard day at work, the coworker arrived home only to find his wife did not have a meal prepared, so he beat her. [end of joke]

A Muslim, a Christian, and a Jew were all seated in the same row on a flight from Chicago to Boston. The Christian, who sat in the middle, took up both arm rests for nearly the entire flight. When the plane landed, the three men parted ways with barely more than a polite nod. [end of joke]

A man walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. However, because with age his tolerance had waned, he woke the next morning with a hangover. [end of joke]

A woman entered a hardware store to ask for directions to the nearest laundromat. Turns out it was right around the corner. [end of joke]

Musik Korner

"It's not an EP! It's an album--the ideal-length album if you ask me. Each track on the album is the leg of a stool, meaning it's a three-legged stool which is the most stable, the most elegant, in short, the quintessential stool, the best stool. You listen to Physical Graffiti lately? That fucker has like 15 legs. No kind of stool I want to sit on. Is that a funfetti cake in the shape of a pith helmet? How very special indeed. You are a beautiful soul, Gabe Gabriel." 
--Rasmus Wright, overheard at Last Call At The Colonial album release party, The Kreation Korner HQ "atrium", 29 Sept 2017

best enjoyed with earbuds or in-ear headphones

What an extended bizarre trek has transpired!

What do you get when you put 15 kreationists in the middle of the New Mexico desert with no sense of direction? A twelve day misadventure of bummer proportions, that's what! Here's some context: we embarked September 12 on a pilgrimage to the former site of Cityville, birthplace of Chris Peebles. Our goal: to kommemorate the fourth anniversary of The Kreation Korner. But far be it from our staff to observe the milestone modestly, we were all pretty fouled up before the chartered party-bus even left the HQ's parking lot. Turns out old habits die in a prolonged fashion akin to Rasputin. Despite our good intentions to engage in a larger-than-life celebratory ekscursion to match the momentous occasion, the mission was doomed from Jump Street (that's where we stopped in Winnemucca for a pit stop). Long story short, we must have used our maps as rolling papers somewhere in the Bonneville Salt Flats. Plus, once we finally arrived at our destination, our guide whom GRECH personally vouched for and even claimed owed her a favor was nowhere to be found, having apparently absconded with the money we faxed him. But the harsh reality that we were deep in the heart of a bone-dry, mysterious wasteland didn't dampen our spirits. Not at first. But once our provisions of Doe Farms hardboiled organic eggs ran out and the bus buzz wore off, our morale waned -- the guiding light of the Kreative spirit seemed to have faded. Luckily, maljohn managed to dig up some peyote which kept us occupied for several days. How we staved off hunger for the remainder of the arid tribulation we'll never now, though it might have had something to do with those strange berries we found. Finally, early yesterday we stumbled upon a delirious one-armed hiker who guided us back to civilization, in exchange for our Pentax K1000. We almost didn't accept the offer, but who needs photographic evidence of such incidents when you have eye witnesses? In the end, we learned an important lesson. In our luxurious group quarters here in Boise we take life for granted. All the spoils of modern life could be snatched away in an instant, forcing a reversion to survival mode. At least now we'll be prepared when that day comes. For now, though, we'll work through the lingering sun-stroke, dehydration and gastric woes to get back to the business we set out to celebrate in the first place.

Ask Peter

It's been a little over a week since the Doe/Stillwater now infamous "Tumult on the Tundra" drew to a sudden, sensational and all together unexpected end. But we find that the title of Kommentator Laureate remains unbestowed. Who, pray tell, was victorious? If you ask Captain Gooding, Peter Doe's severe tobacco-induced angina delivered the knockout blow. But wise-kracking aside, only time will tell if we can finally file the Doe/Stillwater hash under "s" for settled. Our koncern now is with the still ill Doe. Recently extradited from Our Lady of the ICBM Silo Regional Medical Center to a slightly better hospital here in the states, Peterskeeter's kondition has stabilized slightly, but he'll most likely remain convalescent for the better part of a month. But why despair at Mr. Doe's unfortunate situation? We at The Korner see it as an opportunity to reprise an old recurring feature. Peter himself would agree that all the best expressions of Kreativity are churned out during times of pain and hardship. Also, we figure if he's in bed all day he might as well get some work done. So, channel your positive thoughts towards a speedy recovery for Peter Doe, and, in the meantime, allow him to dispense some wisdom upon you. Endure:

Dear Peter,
I have this friend--call him Clint--who always borrows my belongings and doesn't return them. I'll ask him politely to give me my property back, but he always changes the subject. Like the other week, for example, I loaned him my bichon frise Trent. A few days back, I asked him--in a civil manner mind you--to restore my canine counterpart to my company. He just avoided my request and said, "They got these dogs in Europe that carry brandy kegs around their necks to avalanche victims. Gotta get me a few of those..." etc. I'm stumped. I would like to get back my thousands of dollars worth of possessions--some of them crucial necessities--but I don't want to destroy my friendship with Clint in the process. Help me out, Peter. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Distressed in Dishman, WA

Dear Distressed,
You think you got problems?? Shee-it! They got me handcuffed to a Hill-Rom! They I say it'll prevent me from escaping the hospital. I tried walking out twice before, which I guess is not allowed. These so-called "medical professionals" say I got a bum ticker and need to stay in bed. What do these college boys know? I've never felt better in my life, but now I'm basically incarcerated in a dimly lit room with naught but a curtain separating me from a third-degree burn victim. Plus the channel changer only goes up! This is no way to live. But what really deveins my prawns is this diet they got me on. I never knew there were so many flavors of Jello! Hell, I should be eating Texas toast. Now that's brain food. Except they won't give me any since--they claim--my strict regiment of it contributed to my alleged heart failure. And what's all this I hear about me caving to that punk Stillwater? Our apparent chummery at the birthday bash was nothing more than phosphorus-phueled delirium. I ain't soft!! When I get out of this dump I'm giving that kid a what-for, then I'm gonna give him another what-for when he's unkonscious. That'll teach him to challenge my kommenticular authority! Until then, I'll just watch this channel that looks like CCTV footage of a tropical fish tank.
Your Friend,
Peter

Unfortunately, Mr. Doe is uninsured. He needs all the help he can get. We are accepting your donations and your prayers—but preferably your donations. Please provide said gifts in the form of unmarked big bills in a nondescript envelope. Slide them under the front door of the HQ. Thanks!

Benchmarks the spot

It's been over three months since we've heard any news about the impending Boise Bench redevelopment. That's because very little has happened, thanks to bureaucratic inertia. Who knew that oft-bemoaned procedure-obcessed government functionaries would be our saviors, at least for the time being? While Chas Murdoch's gross incompetence in navigating the political terrain of property development hasn't done much to move things along either, it remains a matter of "when" not "if" the ultimate rubber stamp will be depressed. We must continue to transcend our righteous emotional tumult to employ any and all practical strategies and tactics* in our power to work towards justice for The Bench and its inhabitants. In the spirit of this policy, we present to you today a leaked transcription of a recent Bench project team meeting lead by Murdoch Organization underboss Hart Packard. It seems to be some sort of a pep talk Packard delivered at the dreaded company's head office in Three Spankbancorp Plaza to the various family members and un-qualified opportunists who compose Murdoch's inner circle. It's thin on anything resembling action items, but it's essential for us to keep abreast of as much information on the enemy as possible, even if such information's application will not be revealed until a later date. Heads up:

Look at this team Chas couldn't be here he's between the third and forth hole but wanted me to express how proud he is of this team none of that insider knowledge none of that innovation-stifling experience you are all fresh and new with that outside perspective ready to re-invent the wheel ready to disrupt the development game that game has needed disrupting for some time let me tell you and this little team is the team to do it this team can do a lot with a little this team can be the envy of the industry this team is the best team I've ever worked on I really mean that this team this little team will really surprise the other guys the big guys will take notice they'll know us this team can do will do is doing is already doing great things this little team is all ready to do big things because it's nimble it's agile we can out-maneuver the big guys the big guys are aircraft carriers try pulling a u-turn in one of of those babies they're battleships we're point guards all we need is 18 inches of daylight I really think we have a play here really honestly I think we can win this little team our shop can move at the speed of business and the big guys can't I have big ideas for this little team this little team this team is destined for glory I mean it we're just a nine iron shot from victory.

*So far, we've inundated relevent public officials via all known communication channels, and even over-stayed our welcomes at their places of work, to make known the plight of low-to-moderate income Bench dwellers, but feel we are, at best, being paid lip service and at worst, ignored. We welcome suggestions for new approaches. Please slide best practices under the door of the HQ. 
--THX, TKK